r/videos Jun 11 '21

This 2 and a half minute video on empathy has had a bigger impact on my life than any other on Youtube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HznVuCVQd10
276 Upvotes

16

u/Atomic_Fire Jun 12 '21

I know someone who coordinated an event where Brene Brown spoke at, it was a sold out deal.

Apparently she was an extraordinarily rude and demanding individual as compared to most other famous speakers. After that I can't take much she says seriously anymore.

-2

u/crapinet Jun 12 '21

Idk, I mean, everyone has bad days (I know nothing about her, besides hearing her talk in that video, and that seemed pretty good. I can like her ideas, regardless of who she is.)

69

u/ReactonusAndius Jun 11 '21

Her saying sympathy drives disconnection immediately put me off.

Also, isn't the first empathy example she gives literally what sympathy is?

55

u/derpkoikoi Jun 11 '21

According to Mirriam fucking Webster sympathy is to share the feeling/emotions of other. Sym is a Greek root for together, while empathy is to understand how someone might feel without necessarily having those emotions yourself. Sympathy and empathy are both good and it's often unrealistic to be truly sympathetic so we at least try to empathize. This video is pure garbage.

1

u/inahst Jun 17 '21

Maybe the specifics word definitions isn't 100% accurate (though the way words are used does change), but that doesn't mean the video doesn't explain an important distinction between different kinds of empathy/sympathy

21

u/ataraxic89 Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

The fact is the two words are quite often interchangeable and this is just an example of someone saying there is a distinction when there isnt one.

They are trying to create a distinction where one doesnt exist, which is fine, but just say that. Say "I think we should differentiate these words, here's my definitions" instead of pretending like the difference is already universal and agreed on.

-1

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21

She described the distinction, she defined the words as she using them. What’s the problem with that?

If I said, I call dogs cats, and I fucking hate cats. It may be annoying that I’m being frivolous with language, but I still relayed the information I needed to.

It doesn’t matter what she calls the two things, she distinguished two behaviors and identified one as helpful and the other as not helpful.

7

u/Tohserus Jun 12 '21

Disagree. She barely described what she thinks sympathy is. She gave examples of what sympathetic behavior looks like to her (which is not the standard definition either), but that's not the same as laying out a clear definition of the word.

1

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21

I agree with the way your characterized it, but that worked for me. She said don’t do this thing that I’m giving clear examples of. I call this thing ‘sympathy’. If I said, don’t shove people, call people names, ya know, don’t be a magurkin. Would you have no idea what a magurkin is, and would you be unable to heed my advice because I didn’t actually provide a specific definition of the word? Does my advice become bad because of that? We all know what a Karen is don’t we? I’m sure you can find a Karen definition, but it’s just reverse engineered from the specific examples we’ve watched.

1

u/oneblank Jun 12 '21

My only problem is that there’s no reason for her to even redefine sympathy. Her point was about how to respond to an empathetic situation. Both characters are empathetic but one responds in a more constructive way.

1

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21

That’s the reason. What you are calling constructive vs non-constructive is the idea she is expressing with empathy and sympathy. You are seeing a distinction in the ideas aren’t you? You understood the video then, you’re just picking different terms.

1

u/oneblank Jun 12 '21

Yea I understood the video and her message. I just don’t think she needed to try to redefine the word sympathy. Constructive is already a word that makes sense in this situation and was used to describe the benefits of one behavior over another. I didn’t have to redefine it. It adds confusion for no reason

0

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21

Because something triggers willful confusion among dictionary thumpers doesn’t meant it’s actually confusing. You just said you understood.

There’s a very long list of people that use the words this way.

2

u/malachi347 Jun 12 '21

It's funny how maleable redditors are. You were getting upvotes for a while, but once you had a negative vote count, ewww, this guy's totally wrong.

2

u/malachi347 Jun 12 '21

I like you. It's almost like the first two commenters were like the deer in the video - looking at this discussion from the outside and putting thier own spin on it - instead of connecting with the material and trying to appreciate the source!

1

u/rockrocka Jun 12 '21

When she brings up examples of sympathy, it feels like she's playing them as facts she has observed instead of definitions she has made.

It's fine if you say "i call dogs cats", but it would be just wrong if you said "sometimes dogs are called cats"

1

u/MarsAstro Jun 12 '21

The problem is that language needs words to have a set definition in order to make sense. If people create their own definitions for words, then it stops being immediately understandable whenever someone uses those words. You can never be totally sure what someone means by those words, unless they always accompany their usage of the words with their definition for the word. That's just not practical, and kind of defeats the whole point of language.

So when someone uses a word wrong, we should totally correct it. Words need to have generally agreed upon meanings in order for them to do their job, and so muddying the waters by confidently making up and spreading your own new definitions is not a good thing.

2

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

Language changes. Those changes have to start somewhere. Some of those starts are dead ends, and sometimes you get new words or new definitions and they take off. I would hope you would agree that if a distinction between the two words takes off, then it was successful. There is a very long list of videos, including doctors and practicing therapists making a similar or related distinction. Did it start with Brene Brown? Maybe… many or even all of these videos are derivative of Brene, but who cares. It’s started and it’s catching on. A distinction between the words has been found to have value by professionals that work with it, is that not good enough? If you are talking to your counselor and they distinguish these two words this way are you going to say ehem and pull out a dictionary?

https://youtu.be/35Wt8LhoVHA

Dr. Furey:

https://youtu.be/1f0eSejlzLo

Dr. Grande:

https://youtu.be/FKzjmQIiApE

Another:

https://youtu.be/q6ddJE5dBuU

Another:

https://youtu.be/EPvf6vSjBGg

Another:

https://youtu.be/jR5kq5Qc9ws

Another:

https://youtu.be/DDPitL15EVk

It goes on and on and on. This is exactly how language evolves.

0

u/MarsAstro Jun 12 '21

I'd hesitate to call pop psychology indicative of professional consensus within the field of psychology, but you raise a good point anyway.

Language does indeed change, and I'm not opposed to that. Language is and will always be highly colloquial. However, changes need time and overall consensus, and there will always be resistance to change at first. I think that resistance is important, because it raises the bar for how agreeable and fitting a change needs to be in order to actually stick. This helps weed out the weaker changes and keep language somewhat stable, and I think that's a good thing.

3

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

My wife is a clinical therapist (PMHNP) she owns a practice with a couple other NP therapists. I own an office complex and rent offices to therapists, with varying credentials (including to my wife’s practice). That’s to say, I cannot get away from counselors. This isn’t just pop-psychology. I agree it’s is part of pop-psychology, but it goes beyond that. Brene Brown is a very popular author.

That said, I otherwise agree with you. I would think the resistance is an important thing that stabilizes things so we aren’t always confused at what people are saying. The internet has already sped things up enough to cause whiplash.

1

u/MarsAstro Jun 12 '21

The internet has already sped things up enough to cause whiplash.

Can't argue with that, I can barely keep up with all the new phrases and definitions on various social media. Usually I just have to infer things by context.

1

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

I’d add, and I’m not sure if it’s relevant or not, but every counselor I interact with is female. I’ve been talked into reading one of Brene’s books and it seems geared towards women.

I’m not sure if counseling is a boys club/girls club kind of thing or if it’s just chance that I don’t know any males in the industry. Never thought about it til now. Anyway, point being it may not be a common piece of language among male providers. <shrug>

Edit: looked it up, apparently something like 75% of counselors are female

13

u/A_Tiger_in_Africa Jun 12 '21

Wow, she has no idea what sympathy is. She might be talking about pity, but she sure as shit isn't talking about sympathy.

5

u/[deleted] Jun 12 '21 edited 14d ago

[deleted]

0

u/Orange_Moose Jun 12 '21

They didn't define sympathy as that. While I don't think the video defines it very well, here's how I understand sympathy vs empathy after 6+ years of studying psychology.

Sympathy is to recognize emotions that someone else is experiencing.

Empathy is to go a step deeper and to feel the same emotions that someone else is feeling.

I think a lot of the responses in this thread are missing the forest for the trees.

6

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

[deleted]

15

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21

Watching a video that encourages you to try and feel what others are feeling had a major negative impact? Why? Did a horny guy walk in the room and everyone got nasty or something?

-6

u/malachi347 Jun 12 '21

I thought I had sorted by controversial at first when reading these comments. I find it so weird that so many people are having such a negative response to this video... Without passing too much judgement, it almost makes me think these people have some sociopathic tendendicies here... I guess I am on the internet though, so...

2

u/Raiquella Jun 12 '21

lol without passing too much...

...sociopaths

2

u/malachi347 Jun 12 '21

Lol. Couldn't help myself. What's a nice way of saying someone who can't put thier own ego aside to try and change thier opinion about something they don't care enough about to have a discussion.

2

u/Raiquella Jun 12 '21

A block head! However this thread is full of block heads on either end; those that refuse to see the (slight) fault w this given misdefinition if sympathy and the block heads who take that opportunity to throw all of this other great baby out with that bathwater. It’s frustrating for us block heads who can see both sides

2

u/malachi347 Jun 12 '21

Nice. Cheers to us blockheads haha. Luckily for me, I enjoy the downvotes just as much as my upvotes quite honestly. I can't imagine being the kind of person that everyone agrees with every time.

2

u/cranktheguy Jun 12 '21

Thought this was going to be some envy vs. jealousy thing (so many people misuse those), but I don't really think the definitions provided by the video are accurate.

-4

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

The trigger to start empathizing is sympathy. So yes, you're right.

7

u/Rusty-Shackleford Jun 12 '21

em·pa·thy /ˈempəTHē/ noun the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

sym·pa·thy /ˈsimpəTHē/ noun 1. feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune. "they had great sympathy for the flood victims"

2. understanding between people; common feeling. "the special sympathy between the two boys was obvious to all"


So basically empathy is the ability to know what someone else feels but sympathy usually involves some alignment with someone. You could sympathize with someone without knowing what it's like to be them. You could also empathize with someone without agreeing with their life choices or their opinions on things.

Not sure why sympathy is so bad. Empathy is more of an intuitive emotional based thing. You might not know anything about the personal lives of Tibetans because you live on the other side of the planet, but you might be a sympathizer for Tibetan independence. Does not knowing what it's like to be Tibetan on a deeper level make you a horrible person?

20

u/Golden_Zealot Jun 12 '21

This is just incorrect...

19

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

I get this is just describing empathy but I also feel it paints sympathy in a worse light than it is. It does feel strange to approach a problem by not even trying to find a solution. If we all went round just understanding each other's feelings, we would never actually end up resolving each others problems.

I'm a 30 something man and have rarely ever encountered empathy like the example given. I get what empathy is but maybe I'm just misunderstanding the message of this talk.

-2

u/OTTERSage Jun 11 '21

This is a common problem men have - wanting to solve the problem. Successful empathy doesn't have to be solving a problem. Most humans want to tackle a problem on their own, or if they want you to problem solve, they'll ask you to. When someone is venting to you about their day for instance, it's better to say something like "wow, that's a lot. I'm sorry you had a bad day, that's not fair" and a hug than to jump to trying to fix their problem and tackle it like it's another IT ticket

14

u/cranktheguy Jun 12 '21

This is a common problem men have - wanting to solve the problem.

I'd say it's a common misunderstand between the genders, but men often want a solution when they're complaining. I usually wait for someone to ask advice before giving it, though.

0

u/NephilimXXXX Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

This is a common problem men have - wanting to solve the problem. Successful empathy doesn't have to be solving a problem.

The fact that men want to solve the problem isn't a problem. It might not be what you want, but that doesn't mean it's a problem or that men are doing something wrong.

Also empathy can involve problem solving. If someone says "My boss always makes me feel like shit.", an empathetic response might be relating with that person and not trying to give them solutions. But giving them a solution "maybe you should find another job" is both part of empathy (suggesting a way to avoid that problem in the future because the man doesn't want to see you hurting in the future) and also a better long term solution than repeatedly emphasizing with them over and over into the future.

If someone is complaining about being hungry, it's better to offer them food or suggest food (i.e. solving the problem) than just sitting around and relating to that person by telling them that you understand how difficult it is to be hungry.

-20

u/SoSpursy Jun 11 '21

I'm sorry you've never felt that connection. Whether you're being empathetic to someone or having some put themselves in that position for you it really does create a unique closeness and level of trust. For the person willing to be empathetic and feel the other persons pain it really is draining. It takes a lot out of you and makes you hurt emotionally. That's why it is such a selfless decision to make. Which is also why the one who is being empathized with feels so grateful to have someone be there in that capacity.

5

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

Maybe it's just my issue but I would find it over-dramatic and it would distract me from processing/getting through or fixing the problem. If people cared, I'd expect them to come with something practical. The rest is basically "thoughts and prayers".

Maybe I'm a psycho?

1

u/SoSpursy Jun 11 '21

It's not just you. It's just the way you process emotions, we are all built differently. A lot of people think the way you do. I'm agnostic, so I wouldn't compare it to thoughts and prayers. In my opinion that is absolutely useless, and generally said without any care. To what you said about, "If people cared they would try come with a practical solution". That's the silver lining she talks about in the video. There will people a time for action and solutions like you talk about, but sometimes people try to go to action and solutions far too quickly. The mourning process will go better and faster if you have company through it. Also in the future it will be less likely to pop up and kick your ass when you don't expect it.

Keep being you, you aren't psycho. Keep helping people with practical solutions if that's what you're best at. Just try to be aware that sometimes people will need a bit of time to process before it's time to act.

4

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

So the sentiment better applies when it comes to death and grief? Then I understand. Of course, what practical thing CAN you do for someone when their loved one dies. You can only hug it out and tactically chit chat to keep them tied to reality in the moment. Those things i would describe as empathy.

2

u/SoSpursy Jun 11 '21

That's definitely a big one. But other examples are, breakup/divorce, loss of a job, financially trouble, or depression.

2

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

Ok. I think it's likely that I've been very lucky in life then. I've seen these things in others and played the empathy role but never experienced it myself.

1

u/LikeaDisposablePlate Jun 11 '21

I feel like you and op are on opposite ends of a scale. On one hand, I agree with you that it is unhelpful from a practical point of view when you exclusively empathize and don't try to resolve the solution and only deal with the emotional fallout. On the other hand though I think that perhaps you're a bit closed emotionally if someone saying they're there for you and that they've been there before means nothing. Sometimes just the fact that you're not alone can help you come to a more rational analysis towards the solution, not even accounting for the fact that you could ask that person for advice if they didn't give you any.

1

u/vicda Jun 12 '21

I know this is a commonly cited difference between men and women, but wow that sounds terrible. Why should anyone be grateful that you're hurting yourself?

For me personally, it would 100% come off as I'm in a bad situation, you're not helping, and as if you're trying to make it worse you make it about your feelings and are seeking praise for your "selfless" act.

10

u/KindaAlwaysVibrating Jun 12 '21

I disagree with her premise on sympathy entirely.

If I was told a family member of mine was sexually abused, I would feel absolutely destroyed inside and would want to be there for that family member. I have no commonality with their experience, because I've never been sexually abused. But for damn certain, I wouldn't be using an "at least" statement to express my heartache at hearing their story.

3

u/Temporariness Jun 11 '21

it's very good indeed! I remember watching a while back :)

I think this book "Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion" might interest you btw. (sometimes different names are given but the meaning is the same)

33

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

[deleted]

1

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

This example she gave of crawling in that cave is what you said, sympathy and empathy combined. You right

-18

u/SoSpursy Jun 11 '21

I'm just going to trust the professor with a PHD in social work on this one.

15

u/throwthizout Jun 11 '21

Your response probably sounded more dismissive than you intended. But why not just read up on the subject you are clearly interested in and find out more?

It doesn’t really take away from the overall sentiment of the video either.

21

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

I hate to break it to you but having a PhD doesn't make a persons misuse of a commonly used word any more correct.

In the most traditional sense, empathy is understanding another's situation and sympathy is feeling emotions of grief and care in response to another's situation. This is the common usage of those terms.

She borderline switched them around and I have no idea why. The point could have been made without incorrectly using these terms.

9

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21

[deleted]

0

u/Dazzling-Recipe Jun 11 '21

Exactly unsourced random internet comments are vastly more trustworthy

6

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

I mean you can just google the definitions and find countless sources with the common usage of these words

1

u/ReactonusAndius Jun 11 '21

I'm kinda confused. Aren't you switching the bits between the brackets around? No disrespect meant.

Empathy would thus be to emotionally connect into someone, i.e. to inhabit their experience. ("I understand why you're crying, but I may not be crying myself")

Sympathy would thus be to emotionally connect with someone, i.e. to feel what they feel ("I cry because you're crying, but I may not understand why")

If you you cry because someone else is crying but you don't know why, that would mean you have some form of emotional conection to them. Isnt that exactly what empathy is?

If you can understand why someone is crying/get the position they are in, yet it doesnt affect you personally. Wouldn't that exactly be what sympathy is?

8

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

No. If you are crying because someone is hurting that is sympathy. You don’t have to empathize with someone to sympathize.

For example, I can sympathize with a victim of sexual abuse despite not fully understanding what that trauma entails. I can hug them and feel bad for their pain while being ignorant to what that experience is like.

On the other hand, I can empathize with someone with out sympathizing with them. I can look at a school shooter and understand the feeling of isolation and frustration they went through that led to their actions. I wouldn’t, however, feel sympathy towards them because I don’t care about their struggle in the context of them murdering a bunch of people.

I can also do both. If I meet someone who is also depressed and offer advice and words of encouragement and a hug, I am understanding what they are going through (via first hand experience and being able to completely get their struggle) and caring about their struggles (hugging them and trying to help).

2

u/ReactonusAndius Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

I get that this is well documented in psychology, and correct. But is it just me or should they change the definitions of these words in dictionaries then?

Empathize: understand and share the feelings of another.

To understand and share the feelings of another sounds a lot like feeling what someone else is feeling to me, something that you describe as sympathy. Is the dictionary wrong?

This makes me feel extra weird because there's a lot of (false) claims that autistic people can't feel empathy. I am autistic. I am very good at placing myself in other people's shoes, but i have trouble feeling the emotions others are feeling(unless it's someone REALLY close to me). So in other words, i got trouble with sympathy, not empathy?

I'm having the weirdest realisation right now. As if i've been lied to my whole life. Or am i having the biggest brainfart right now and completely misunderstanding what you explain?

3

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

I think the line is a bit blurry, to be fair to you.

Let’s take my school shooter example. A person can empathize with the shooter in two ways. They could understand the motives behind the shooter on a factual level (“this person was isolated and lonely and frustrated with their circumstances and took that anger out on others”). They could also empathize in the sense of having felt those emotions themselves (“the shooter was lonely. I was lonely in high school so I understand on a personal level how they felt”).

Both of those examples don’t require sympathy. I can understand a school shooters motives and not care about their personal pain. I can understand a school shooters emotions on a very personal level and feel like I’ve felt what they went through and also still not care about their struggle.

2

u/ReactonusAndius Jun 11 '21

Thanks for the explanation. It's an extreme example(extreme examples help with explanation) but that's pretty much how i function. So i guess i am very empathic but not very sympathetic.

Maybe it would've been better if the people who came up with those classifications had some umbrelle term for them, which connected the two and made the difference and similarity more clear.

6

u/Average-as-hell Jun 11 '21

"I know what is like down here" I always think I'm helping, when I do this. Here, I see your pain, and here is my pain, let's experience pain together. But it doesn't work like that. People think it's one upmanship. Like a challenge. Like my pain is simply a way to make their pain less relevant. So we both end up isolated. It ended my marriage, and continues to destroy any attempts at relationships.

9

u/ManyPoo Jun 11 '21

I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm glad you showed me this

5

u/ragsofx Jun 11 '21

At least you've got your health ;]

2

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

There’s a lot of people complaining about her misusing the words. A side note, it doesn’t matter to the point of a video. The point is to encourage people to help others experiencing problems in a more useful way. She’s distinguishing a helpful behavior and an unhelpful behavior, who cares what she calls those things…. She could just call them Behavior A and Behavior B. The words are not the point. She discusses these behaviors in her books and lectures and needed labels so she could easily discuss them.

Main point, language changes. Those changes have to start somewhere. Sometimes it doesn’t take off and is a dead end, and sometimes it does take off and then we have a new word or a new definition.

I get the resistance to it, and I think the resistance is actually a good thing. It stabilizes language, but it doesn’t stop change. The question is, do people actually use her terms in that way?

This is a list of doctors, counselors, workplace advisors, even English language teachers. Every one of these is distinguishing the difference between sympathy and empathy. Are they derivative of Brene Brown’s use? Probably. But every time you say “meme” it’s derivative of Richard Dawkins use of it. He not to long ago created that word for the same reason. He needed a label to discuss an idea. Knowing the exact origin of a change doesn’t cancel it out. This is just YouTube, and just videos explicitly distinguishing the two words; there’s an endless list of non-YouTube links. At some point she may have been the only person using them that way. That time has passed.

https://youtu.be/35Wt8LhoVHA

https://youtu.be/1f0eSejlzLo

https://youtu.be/FKzjmQIiApE

https://youtu.be/q6ddJE5dBuU

https://youtu.be/EPvf6vSjBGg

https://youtu.be/jR5kq5Qc9ws

https://youtu.be/DDPitL15EVk

https://youtu.be/uwyu0hx6wFo

https://youtu.be/O1W9MqLSgxY

https://youtu.be/JnVmEIjLwSw

https://youtu.be/vNkyjfaLg2Q

https://youtu.be/U4YBZE84rh8

https://youtu.be/vsizRsbls0c

https://youtu.be/CP5_ngyL2gM

https://youtu.be/7Ux7mecw00A

https://youtu.be/MDnATXXxl4Q

https://youtu.be/oUKPZ9vwRps

https://youtu.be/95_UI56hZqc

https://youtu.be/sgAAsrFnfbE

https://youtu.be/GC_Sb1Y_PAI

https://youtu.be/7-Q_qU46YAI

https://youtu.be/HRYfALp4_N0

https://youtu.be/nHnt-5ZN_Cs

2

u/notjawn Jun 12 '21

Jeezy creezy reddit. Why can't you just learn something new without going all armchair psychologist on it? All of the posts complaining about it are so incredibly off base with basic understanding of human emotion.

7

u/Rutarded3717 Jun 11 '21

My problem is that everyone expects me to be empathetic to their problems, but not once in my entire life have I ever felt someone give a shit about me.

7

u/hamster_rustler Jun 11 '21

That’s unfortunate :( but if it has really been “not once in your entire life” - have you considered that you have a hard time recognizing when people make an effort to be kind or listen to you? Sometimes low self esteem can cloud our perception of these things

-2

u/Rutarded3717 Jun 11 '21

There's a difference to being kind and listening to me. Being kind is very superficial. Of course I am generally nice to other people and they are nice back, but that is very different from actually listening and trying to understand me. I'm totally content with that too as I am an introvert. I am saying its annoying that society expects me to actually be empathetic to others when I feel that they understandably don't care what I have to say. Also, I wouldn't really say I have a low self esteem considering I am generally happier by myself. I don't look to others for validation. I do me.

7

u/zabangs Jun 11 '21

You don't exactly radiate "I want to share my feelings with you" aura, to be honest. If you find it annoying that people want you to be empathetic, you're definitely not the kind that receives that back. But, it also sounds like you have it figured out so don't worry about it. You do you.

-1

u/Rutarded3717 Jun 11 '21

Right, I am a very closed off person because I've been conditioned/learned to not even try.

2

u/Helhiem Jun 12 '21

You get what you put in but you should never expect anything back.

2

u/IRageAlot Jun 12 '21 edited Jun 12 '21

Why? There are empathetic people in the world, so why don’t you receive any? I see a few options/suggestions, but I can’t know. You have to figure that out.

Are you capable of receiving empathy? Some people push others away when they express empathy, and then feel abandoned. It’s almost like the worse they feel and the worse they handle it, the more it validates the hardship they are experiencing. E.g. my irate state proves how seriously this car accident inconveniences me; if I let you help me calm down then my problem seems less severe.

Do you surround yourself with unempathetic people? You wouldn’t be the first person to love exciting, edgy, or transient people as friends, but then feel unfulfilled by the lack of closeness that can sometimes come with those people. It’s not unlike the stereotype of the girl that thinks bad-boys are hot and then is confused why all guys are jerks.

Is your perception right? There are several types of personality traits and disorders that can cause you to view a person as entirely bad. E.g. someone hurts your feelings, and then when they try to make up for it your feelings don’t allow you to recognize that because you’ve framed them as evil to help you cope with your feelings. There are many other forms of distorted perception like that. Including ones that make you feel like the whole world hates you… like depression.

There’s one thing I can tell you, it is not that you are the only empathetic person in the world, and everyone else is incapable of it. And there is something you can do about it, and it’s your responsibility. Nobody can fix it for you. Such as, going to counseling to help correct your perception or to help you learn how to surround yourself with the type of people you need.

1

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

Dude same! I didn't even know this was a thing that people were doing except in terrible movies. I've been told to pull up my bootstraps and had to pull up my bootstraps at 100% of the turns I've taken in my life.

3

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

Dude same! I didn't even know this was a thing that people were doing except in terrible movies. I've been told to pull up my bootstraps and had to pull up my bootstraps at 100% of the turns I've taken in my life.

Not dismissing your efforts, as im sure you've had it harder than I, but I think its healthy to remember you didn't get here on your own. It may seem like the entire world is uncaring, which they mostly are, but absolutely 0 people on earth make it without the help of others.

0

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

Oh sorry, I meant emotionally. I've been helped a lot by many great people over the years but that has nothing to do with an empathic connection.

1

u/EatFrozenPeas Jun 12 '21

There's a good chance there was an empathetic connection if they were helping you. Something like, "I can imagine it's hard to be that young and trying to find a job in this field. I'll pass his info on to someone who might be able to help more than me." That's an empathetic connection resulting in providing help to you.

1

u/Stu_Pididiot Jun 11 '21

Not being bitter or cynical is a really hard thing to do in life. It's so damn easy to do. I try to just keep reminding myself that everyone has their own shit going on. And I try not to measure my success or failures by comparing myself to anyone else. Set my own goalposts by what I think will make me happy and steer towards them. Find like minded people to surround myself with. It's a constant struggle but it's worth it.

1

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

I wouldn't say I'm bitter or cynical, rather practical and robotic. I process the tasks required of me to everyone's satisfaction, get compensated as per agreement and occasionally seduce the release of some favorable chemicals by learning, watching a movie or playing a video game to fill my spare time with something that isn't staring into a silent darkness. It wasn't what I was promised as a child but I've made peace with that. I am content.

2

u/Stu_Pididiot Jun 11 '21

To each their own. I'm no psychologist but I'd say that judging by how much you're engaging in dialog about this subject that maybe you're looking to make a change or increase your emotional IQ. I say, give it a shot! Be more than content. Be happy, my dude.

2

u/krazyjakee Jun 11 '21

It was a bit of a shock to learn that people would be satisfied with others just understanding them. It still doesn't make sense to me, hence the discussion.

All the best to you too!

3

u/gobby14 Jun 12 '21

did she actually say anything here

4

u/Gastrophysa_polygoni Jun 11 '21

Kinda fucked up that we're at a point where a simple explanation of empathy is this eye-opening thing to so many people.

4

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

this discussion is more pedantic than anything anyways

1

u/Stu_Pididiot Jun 11 '21

We're an extremely disconnected society. At least in most developed countries. Can't speak for all of them. Here's my theory: industrialization pushed people into cities and away from their communities. That causes a bunch of people living together who don't know or understand each other and don't want to. I'm hoping with the advance of telework people can start to move back to where they feel a community because proximity to where they make a living doesn't matter as much. Fingers crossed

-4

u/OTTERSage Jun 11 '21

Kinda fucked up also how many people in the comments still fail to grasp the video's message

2

u/[deleted] Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

[deleted]

1

u/OTTERSage Jun 11 '21

Unfortunately the message is lost on people who want to "problem solve" or dive into pedantics about "achshually shympathy ish blahblah"

1

u/GoldXP Jun 11 '21 edited Jun 11 '21

I agree with this video wholeheartedly. In TV shows and movies they make it seem like if someone is going through a rough patch all they need is a pep talk and boom, they're instantly over it.

I think we as caring humans, especially if it's someone you love or care about, is natural to wanna be able to say or do something to instantly make that person feel better. That's why I think it's important to know that it's ok to not know what say to or do, I don't think they're expecting you to instantly fix their problems.

It's better to, metaphorically speaking, lay in the mud with them and make them feel like you're gonna lay their with them until they're ready to get up. Then stand above them and keep asking why they're laying there and to get up.

-6

u/from_dust Jun 11 '21

Brene Brown is srsly underrated. Her work on vulnerability has had a massive impact on my life, and I credit this work for helping me leave an abusive cult that i was raised in. Highly recommend her work.

3

u/ShinjiOkazaki Jun 12 '21

underrated

is this a joke?

she's one of the highest earning "self-help"/"pop-psychology" authors/speakers.

She has five number-one New York Times bestsellers and a netflix special.

0

u/SoSpursy Jun 11 '21

do you have anything else of hers that you can share with me?

3

u/from_dust Jun 11 '21

She got a lot of attention with this TED talk on the Power of Vulnerability about 10 years ago. She's also got several books, which carry the same relatable tone and understandable reasoning. Much of her work centers around how we deal with shame, guilt, and emotional resilience.

1

u/Legbail Jun 11 '21

Some of her stuff is on Netflix, also.

0

u/CalligrapherMinute77 Jun 11 '21

You a g for sharing this, my g

-1

u/Watapacha Jun 11 '21

empathy is a great thing but if everyone "recognize their perspective of their truth" no one with personality disorders such as narcists would get therapy. though sadly so few do.

2

u/LikeaDisposablePlate Jun 11 '21

It's necessary to recognize and understand before change can begin, either from within or through outside influence

2

u/slippingparadox Jun 11 '21

I have a personality disorder and if I took half of what redditors say about personality disorders to heart I would be even more depressed than I currently am

1

u/Wizard_of_Ozzy Jun 11 '21

When my friends open up to me about something and I haven't experienced something closely similar I think back to one point in this video where the response is "That sounds really hard. I don't know what to say but I'm glad you told me" . It's happened a few times and has only made my relationship with those friends stronger.

1

u/ahtisham6tpa Jun 12 '21

am I the only one having to watch this for online school?

1

u/scumworth Jun 12 '21

Interesting fact. I know a lot of Apple trainers play this for their new hires when they’re being on boarded.

1

u/butsuon Jun 12 '21

Ya, ya know, I could go for a sandwich though.

1

u/Iz4e Jun 12 '21

Really...this video?

1

u/Javlington Jun 13 '21

read Paul Bloom